Feeling My Age

The past 36 or so hours have been a bit grueling around here. Kurt is having a side-effect issue with the immunosuppresent he's taking; as a result, he's been struggling with massive joint pain and muscle weakness. At times, he's been virtually helpless. Late last night we were trying to figure out the best way to move him just a couple of feet from a sitting to reclining position; his achy joints wouldn't allow him to just pop up and flop over. So, Mom became the leverage. At that moment, the 7 inch height, 50 pound weight, and 28 year age difference were all too apparent. I was limited in what I could do; we were pretty well stuck. 

I turned 54 last Sunday--never before have I felt my age more. I don't like to feel my limits. I found out quickly that my limits exist. I found myself trying to make a mental plan of how to get him up tomorrow morning, dress him, groom him, get him down a flight of stairs, and into the car to take him to clinic. 

It's truly humbling and my heart has never felt so much sympathy for caregivers who do this every day of their lives. It truly ages a person.

Long gone are the days when I might have looked a bit younger than my chronological age. Two months and counting of the stressor of the day can carve some pretty interesting wrinkles; any hair that was undecided about becoming a various shade of salt or pepper has now confirmed itself. I am officially my age. 

But that's not all bad, I'm finding. With this time of stress, comes a time of developing more of a matter-of-fact attitude. Making a decision is easier--, not much mincing around these days. After watching a child so near death, I have a whole new respect for truly living. Petty every-day items mean little to me--if we're going to get intense about something, let's make sure it's actually worth getting intense. Otherwise, count me out. I've also witnessed this kiddo of mine literally being given a second chance at life--that's some pretty impressive stuff. I don't intend to waste much time grousing about things that honestly don't matter. Life is, indeed, too precious. 

A greater depth of understanding has carved itself into my soul just as those new wrinkles have carved themselves into my face. So, yes, I feel my age these days--it's been earned and I'm claiming it.

And...I like it.